Shinra's Code of Conduct
by 16-horses
Summary: Congratulations! You've just landed a job at Shinra Electric Power Company! Whether you're a SOLDIER or a secretary, there are rules of nature unique to your workplace to insure the safety and survival of all. The slightest breach in the code of conduct and you'll be leaving Shinra in a coffin - that is, if the scientists don't get a hold of your corpse first...
1. Chapter 1

**Why am I writing for Final Fantasy VII? I haven't even _played_ Final Fantasy VII! HOW DO I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT FINAL FANTASY VII!?**

**So my Silmarillion fic 'Galadriel's Rules For the Family Reunion' was so much fun to write that I had to do something similar for another fandom. You can tell a lot about people by the kinds of rules they feel obligated to set in place. Shinra probably isn't quite so... erm... hectic as I make it out to be, but I can imagine quite a few of these rules having legitimate purpose behind them. Shinra's weird, man.**

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1\. Someone is always watching you.

2\. Do not ask the General the brand or quantity of shampoo he uses.

3\. Do not fraternize with Reno over coffee/lunch/paperwork/explosives or anything else.

4\. Do not panic if you are ambushed/attacked/etc. by the junior Turks. They are merely performing their stealth training and will not harm you under Tseng's strict orders. The less impressive your reaction, the less likely they will be to target you again.

5\. Do not roughhouse in the showers. More accidents occur there than in any other area in the entire Tower (excluding the labs).

6\. Do not tell Mr. Fair there are free brownies in the labs. Last time it took three days to convince Hojo to let him out again.

7\. If there is no more coffee in the machine, make some more IMMEDIATELY. If there is no more coffee in the can, inform the head of your department IMMEDIATELY. If the coffee machine is broken, report it to the janitorial staff IMMEDIATELY. The company is far too dependent on caffeine to go more than twelve hours without. We do not need another coffee apocalypse.

8\. Do not ask the General if you can see his wing.

9\. Do not ask Commander Hewley if you can see his wing(s?).

10\. Do not ask Commander Rhapsodos if you can see his wing.

11\. Do not ask anyone if you can see their wing.

12\. Do not mock LOVELESS. Do not steal LOVELESS. Do not sabotage LOVELESS. Do not have anything to do with LOVELESS.

13\. Do not ask the Turks what their real names are.

14\. Tseng's tilak is not a third eye.

15\. If you find a cat robot in your room, do not panic. Inform the Head of Urban Development at once. In the meantime, do not do anything private or incriminating while the robot is still present (see Rule #1).

16\. Do not assist Reno in his pranks, and if you have knowledge of such a prank, you are required to report it to Tseng. Failure to do so will result in suspended coffee privileges for a week.

17\. Do not assist Mr. Fair in his pranks. There is no compromise. Do not be swayed by the puppy eyes.

18\. Yes, Commander Rhapsodos is a natural redhead.

19\. No, Reno is not.

20\. 'For science' is not a legitimate excuse.

21\. Do not tell the cadets that the General will eat them alive if their boots are not laced properly.

22\. Do not use EMRs for other than their intended purpose. Inappropriate usage includes but is not limited to zapping flies, sabotaging rival departments' electronics, curling your hair, teasing lab specimens, scorching your paperwork, etc.

23\. Do not shout "Encore!" when Commander Rhapsodos is singing in the shower.

24\. Do not record Commander Rhapsodos singing in the shower and then sell or distribute the tapes as 'new hit singles'.

25\. Do not steal materia. DO NOT STEAL MATERIA.

26\. Do not eat anything that comes out of the labs.

27\. Do not ask/bribe Reno to eat your paperwork.

28\. Do not enter the janitorial and lab supply closets.

29\. Only Commander Hewley is allowed to call Mr. Fair a puppy.

30\. No fan club activity is permitted on company grounds.

31\. Do not attack the vending machines if they eat your money. Alert the janitorial staff of the failure and you may get your gil back. You must pay for the damages if you destroy the vending machines. Injuries resulting from sticking your arm into the slot to try and retrieve your purchase do not count as work injuries and will not be covered by insurance.

32\. DO NOT under ANY circumstances give a SOLDIER a carbonated drink. While they can handle excesses of sugar quite well due to their astronomically high metabolisms, soft drinks, energy drinks, and the like will send them quite literally through the roof for not entirely understood reasons. We have already seen many near-massacres at the hands of out-of-control SOLDIERs high on this unholy solution of sugar, caffeine, and bubbles.

33\. Should Commander Rhapsodos see fit to recite poetry to you, have the decency and sense of self-preservation to look interested. You do not want an eccentric pyromanic First Class SOLDIER for an enemy (see Rule #12).

34\. Do not sneak up on SOLDIERs and yell 'Boo!'

35\. Do not hack into the security cameras and copy or record any of the footage. Idle viewing for entertainment, blackmail, etc., is also prohibited.

36\. Do not ask the Director of SOLDIER where he got his wig. It is not a wig.

37\. Alcohol is forbidden within the tower. Any smuggled alcohol will be quite literally sniffed out by the first SOLDIER you encounter, and there will be consequences. Spiking the punch at office parties is also forbidden.

38\. Do not ask Commander Rhapsodos if he wears eyeliner. He does, but that is not the point.

39\. Do not ask why the secretaries keep glitter pens in stock.

40\. No one has access to the Turks' hidden supply of coffee except the Turks.

41\. Do not pick fights with the janitors. They are tougher than they look.

42\. Keep your desk and office clean. We do not ask for total perfection, merely for others to be able to maneuver through your work space without risk of bodily harm.

43\. Your office is not your apartment. Keep all personal items, with the exception of ONE purse or handbag and/or an approved weapon, out of your work space. Any non-approved personal items will be confiscated.

44\. Do not get into an argument/screaming match with Commander Rhapsodos. The man can scream the moon down.

45\. Do not venture onto the Turks' floor if it seems unusually quiet. The greater the silence, the greater the danger.

46\. Do not ask if SOLDIERs' eyes make good nightlights.

47\. Treat Commander Rhapsodos's leather coat as though it were holy.

48\. No pets are allowed, not even a little pocket kitten.

49\. Do not smoke in the mail department. Violent collapse of civilization would be preferable to a mail room blaze.

50\. If you don't know what JENOVA is, you are not allowed to know.

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**Is there too much Genesis in this? If so, I do not apologize. I love that guy so much.**

**Also, can anyone tell me who Sephiroth's father is? Is it Hojo or Vincent? I thought it was Hojo, but I've seen things... around... and what's with Genesis and can openers? The wiki is no help. I HAVE QUESTIONS.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Second installment! Because Shinra is just that screwy.**

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51\. You are not allowed to know who writes up these lists.

52\. You are allowed to bring coffee to work. However, under no circumstances are you allowed to share/give/sell it to anyone else, nor bring it for them, no matter how much they ask/bribe/threaten you. Shinra is not a coffee shop.

53\. Do not snip off locks of the Firsts' hair or collect their feathers as souvenirs (see Rule # 30).

54\. Do not draw mustaches on JENOVA's containtment tank.

55\. Commander Rhapsodos is not Gackt's long-lost twin. Or Gackt himself in disguise.

56\. Amazingly, the Vice President has a job. He is not the spoiled rich boy you all seem to think he is and he is certainly not wasting everyone's time playing computer games in his office all day.

57\. Yes, Hojo is a mad scientist, but he is very unlikely to snatch sleeping cadets from their beds in the dark of night and whisk them away to the labs to perform horrible experiments on them, so please stop telling them so. We know someone is telling them, and whoever you are, we will find you out.

58\. If you are caught commiting a violent crime while not on company business, you may not use your job as an excuse to get out of trouble with the police. While on company business, you may not commit any violent crimes unless your orders explicitly give you the privilege.

59\. Do not take death threats or murder attempts personally. It's part of the job.

60\. Please stop deliberately and violently mangling the Head of Public Safety's name. It is pronounced... never mind. (Note to Registration: how is his name spelt?)

61\. Only one doughnut apiece at board meetings/conferences/etc. A sugar high for the rest of the day will be the least of your problems.

62\. Unless you are a SOLDIER or a Turk, do not chase, attack, or attempt to capture any escaped lab specimens. The company does not have a sufficiently flexible budget to cover unnecessary funeral expenses, which are unfortunately covered by the insurance.

63\. If you have knowledge of AVALANCHE's doings, you are required to report it to the Turks immediately. Failure to do so will result in your being branded a member of AVALANCHE and subsequent execution.

64\. There are only so many times you can call Commander Rhapsodos a warrior poet before he begins to suspect shallow flattery.

65\. If you do not like the cafeteria food, do not purchase it. Do not make us repeat this.

66\. Do not engage SOLDIERS in conversation, sparring, or anything else immediately after their Mako shots, as they tend to be quite groggy and disoriented. They will either vomit all over you or mistake you for a mutant Tonberry or an AVALANCHE agent and slaughter you where you stand.

67\. In reference to Rule # 40, there is no hidden Turks' supply of coffee. You heard nothing. You know nothing. This is not the coffee you are looking for.

68\. If you have blue eyes, do not be alarmed if you are routinely taken to the labs to be tested for unauthorized Mako exposure. One cannot be too careful.

69\. Yes, the Space Program is a huge joke. It is no secret.

70\. Do not ask why they are called Buster Swords. No, they are not named after the dog you had in the fourth grade.

71\. Before you attempt to flirt with the secretaries, remember: they have guns in their drawers.

72\. Be extremely careful of what you say within the hearing of the Head of Weapons Development. You never know what obscure phrase she will latch onto and take off with as inspiration.

73\. Yelling 'for honor' on the parade ground will not impress Commander Hewley, even if you are sincere.

74\. If you are a Turk recruit, be aware that you may not change your codename after you have chosen it. Make your decision seriously.

75\. The words 'let's mosey' are forbidden.

76\. Do not ask what Hojo's first name is. Many braver and smarter than you have tried and failed miserably.

77\. Hangovers from last night's parties do not qualify you for handicapped parking spaces.

78\. No, the Vice President did not add Rule #56 to this list.

79\. SOLDIERS, troopers, cadets, and other assorted combat personnel are not allowed to emulate the General and attempt to grow their hair as long as his. Perhaps when (and if) you become a First Class Soldier you may do as you wish with your hair, but for now you are required to follow the dress code.

80\. Unless you are a Turk. Turks may do as they like with their hair.

81\. Or maybe that's just Reno.

82\. In response to all the angry scorned women calling the Director of SOLDIER a misogynist for upholding our policy of prohibiting women from the SOLDIER program, three words: Mako-enhanced PMS.

83\. Before making fun of the accents of employees from the Midgar slums, remember: they are from the Midgar slums. You have no idea what they teach people down there.

84\. Scientists and their assistants are required to obtain written permission the President or Vice President before recruiting volunteers for their experiments. Hojo's permission does not count.

85\. 'Pants-Free Friday' is not an official company holiday.

86\. When filling out AAR forms, you are required to fill out the 'Lessons Learned' section. You'd better have learned something.

87\. 'Your mom' jokes are absolutely forbidden, particularly in the General's hearing range, which is larger than you think.

88\. To be on the safe side, avoid using the word 'mother' at all in any context in the General's hearing range.

89\. If you are a male employee, particularly in the infantry or SOLDIER, be aware that if you happen to catch the Head of Weapons Development's eye, she may order you down to her office or the conference room to be her footstool. Don't complain and keep your spine straight and she may not dig her heels into your back.

90\. SOLDIER is not an acronym for Stoned On Lifestream Dudes In Eternal Rage. It is not an acronym at all.

91\. Do not ask why Commander Rhapsodos's blade is named Rapier when it is not, in fact, a rapier. The man may do as he pleases with his own belongings.

92\. Never, ever say "oops".

93\. READ THE FINE PRINT.

94\. Stop distracting the secretaries with cute blond troopers so you can steal pens/hack into their computers/raid their brownie stash/sabatoge the printers/etc.

95\. Mr. Fair does not have fleas, nor does he sleep in a kennel. Please stop circulating rumors. (Related: see Rule # 29.)

96\. The mutant panther that occasionally prowls through the hallways is the Vice President's pet, not an escaped lab specimen. Show no signs of fear and it will (probably) not attack you.

97\. For your own sake, do not attempt to blackmail Reno into anything. The man has no shame. It WILL NOT WORK.

98\. For the love of JENOVA, whoever keeps 'accidentally' summoning Bahamut Sin over the parade ground had better abandon their sick hobby right here and now before the entirety of SOLDIER First Class is mobilised to search every bunk, locker, office, etc. for summoning materia.

99\. You should not have personal stores of any kind of materia anyway.

100\. Whatever happens in Shinra, stays in Shinra.


End file.
